Snack Attack! #1

Hello ladies and gents, it's been a little while. Freud's just been kicking my ass but while he was I came up with a great idea: Snack Attack!

Well you see, I am one of the top ten snackers in the world; it's a great passion of mine. I realized that in all this talk of consumables I have missed one of my greatest joys and I apologize, to you and myself. Expect this section to be updated more frequently than any other section, because whenever I think of one of my favourite snacks I am going to write it down so you can enjoy it too!

Fuzzy Peaches:

A lot of the best candy is modeled after very sweet, delicious fruits. So this is the Maynard take on the peach but instead of feeling fuzzy naturally, this candy made fuzzy with sugar! Awesome! You can eat it straight away or leave it in your mouth for a bit until the sugar melts. Expect Maynards candy to be a repeat offender in these posts, so many classic snacks!

Heinz Ketchup Chips:

With this one we're going to have to start back at the classic battle between Ruffles and Lays chips.

Ever since Mark Messier donned the endorsement from Lays they've been Canadian gold: he couldn't eat just one, who the hell do you think you are? Lays chips are a staple, my personal favourites original (with or without dip) and ketchup, the latter being one of the best chips in existence; far too addictive. But then you have Ruffles, which to me has the more appealing texture of the two chips, not to mention such legendary flavours such as sour cream & onion and all-dressed. The thing is, at least in Canada, I never see ketchup ruffles on the shelves - even if there was, I feel innately that Lays has the lock down on that one. But how to find a good ketchup flavour with ruffles in the chip?

That's where the Herr company comes in with their Heinz chips! Yeah man, real Heinz ketchup in these ones. The chips are widely rippled and almost seem to be sprinkled in the powder; some of the chips have less flavouring than others. The mild ketchup taste was very agreeable, a refreshing change from the tangy Lays variety. The best thing about these chips is that they're sold for $1 a bag at No Frills grocery stores! You never think about it but chips can get pretty damn expensive.. they have 2 for $5 at most convenience stores I see and that's a deal?

So what are you waiting for, don't delay! These chips are far too cheap not to get immediately.

Reggie's Old-Fashioned Sandwiches

I am officially employed! Tentatively opening early March, I will be working at Reggie's 24-hour sandwich place. I've seen the menu and it looks pretty fantastic, notably posting a Pulled Pork sandwich featuring caramelized onions on a baguette, which I will sample immediately if not sooner.

If I have my way we'll be hosting some free wireless internet so come visit me and get some work done in a cozy environment! I'll keep you posted on these developments when the place opens.

Mmmm.. Steel Bananas

Nothing quite as tasty as a Steel Banana.. especially when it contains an article of mine!

So check out all the articles - there are a bunch of gems in this issue. Feel free to offer comments, a great new feature of the website.

To Steel Bananas!

Parliament Street has done it again

Just north of Carlton along Parliament is officially the place to be.

First off you have Jet Fuel, a coffee house hosting free wireless internet that serves pint glass lattes for just three dollars. Positive vibes and a conducive environment for work are both great things!

And now this: Gourmet Burger Co.

..sorry ACME. You've got nothing.

I have had the privilege of eating at this location twice now and both burgers were fucking scrumptious.

The first time I went I tested their Spicy Cajun burger: jalapeños and jalapeño studded harvarti headed the rush of flavour, tempered by tomatoes and avocado, both of which I am not usually a fan of but ultimately necessary to deflect the clout of this burger. Finished off with Cajun spice and smokey Chipotle & honey mayo, the 6-ounce burger was a treat at only $5.95, the cheapest burger on their menu.

The other burger I ate was the Smokey bacon burger: This 6-ounce glorious slice of cow was only made better by the addition of two little strips of pig; smoked pig at that. Wide eyed I noticed the Gouda.. what burger place actually has Gouda on staff? Not to mention the extra cheeses you can add for a dollar, including some serious elites - herbed goat cheese and Brie! The mayo was roasted garlic and Dijon mustard, adding some character to an already thoroughly smoked burger. I was satisfied that the price sat at the $6.95 mark, bacon and Gouda only costing $1 more than a Spicy Cajun.

There really isn't much room to sit, but if you get a spot at their counter a Toronto Star greets you and moist towelettes see you off, a huge help in case of any topping overflow. They have oodles of complimentary toppings, not all of which are easily thrown together; sautéed mushrooms, balsamic marinated caramelized onions and roasted red peppers are all offered freely. You really have to see the menu; there are just so many ideas bouncing around my head of what to try next. Hell, have any of you ever had Brie on your burger? Has to be worth checking out.

A failure pile in a sadness bowl

Oh if KFC wasn't grotty enough before.

I stopped eating KFC long ago when a friend told me she ate a popcorn chicken ball that had one vein too many.. but in many ways this is much worse: a mixture of all their off cast leftovers, the "KFC Bowl" is pretty much the nastiest fast food item you can eat. Yet millions have embraced it! Three bowls to choose from!

I would just like to show this video to everyone who has eaten one of these travesties.. think about this any time you have a hankering for one:

To You Tube!

Have a Carling darling!

I finish moving an extremely heavy couch mid afternoon and realize that after such a job there's really only one relief to the mixture of exhaustion and adrenaline flowing through my body: a cold brew. Literally minutes afterward, Slothrop and I sit in my room panting for breath and the foresight of throwing my few remaining beers in the fridge mere hours ago pays off.

- Ah, the pre-class beer,

he says, twisting off the top of a Carling and taking a generous mouthful. I am already way ahead, holding the bottle to my lips until I run out of breath, heaving a content sigh that not even a near-frozen glass of water brings.

So why Carling?

The only buck-a-beer I know that does the job. Paps, Lucky, Laker, James Ready and others simply fall short in all regards. Carling can be had warm if absolutely necessary; Carling can be had after the other brands begin to taste sour past the sixth bottle mark; but most importantly, Carling has spawned the most brilliant beer-related pickup line I have ever heard: "Have a Carling darling!"

Yeah, unbelievably cheesy right? Try it out! It doesn't actually work.. at all.. but the girl will likely crack a grin at your idiocy and then hey, there's a foot in the door. Well, if she's into that type of stupid humour that is, but being a Killin that's all I have to offer - any joke that will make a woman's eye roll. Since I'm doomed anyway I might as well embrace it right?

Obviously Carling doesn't even hold a candle to more upscale beer - my personal favourite is Creemore - but for the price you can't go wrong. We're all students right? Just don't poison yourself with Lucky.. an alternative that tastes like fetid mud filtered through a net of rotten fish. Just haggard.

A cheap hole in the wall? Yes please! (Not as dirty as it sounds..)

I get off the subway line at Bay Station, trying to figure out my compass poles so I can meet my friend Pirate Prentice heading north. I am entirely sure I'm walking in the wrong direction when as luck would have it I practically bump into him and after shaking hands we continue to walk south past Bay and Bloor. After a quick pre-jam LCBO run on his part, we walk through a mild Toronto night towards a a small tucked away place called Sushi Club, which is close to a play we are seeing in just under an hour.

When I say tucked away, I actually mean a room about 14 feet by 25 feet with as many tiny booths and tables crowded into it as humanly possible. Apparently Sushi Club used to be "a little less polished" according to Pirate and they recently renovated to make it a little more pleasant. The clientele must appreciate it seeing as every single seat is filled.. except two, which is perfect because we're definitely on a time limit. We cram ourselves into the seats, wary of our elbows lest we knock into a hapless server.

There's not really much to say about the place. We are in a pretty big rush so I sit down, already knowing what to order - Pirate recommends the Silver Bento Box. Even though it's busy we are served miso soup immediately, salmon and cucumber sushi in five minutes and the full meal in and around the fifteen minute mark. What generous portions! The box has four chambers: one with white rice, one with pork laid on lettuce, one with salad (slathered with so much dressing I actually balk at my first bite) and one with vegetable tempura. All for only $8.99 each! I am so shocked I actually pick up the bill haha. The salmon sushi rolls stand out, sporting some of the freshest fish I've eaten in some time. The pork is tender, lathered with something comparable to teriyaki sauce and the tempura is very lightly coated, the vegetables nicely moist underneath, yet let me warn you: if left to soak in their oils they become soggy so eat these first.

I have not enjoyed such a good quality of food so cheaply in a long time; fast food and jacked up mall prices do not cut it at all. Drinking my last glass of water we relinquish our seats to people waiting for a table - an actual line has grown throughout our meal - so we can catch the play on time.

This is the type of restaurant I need to find more of! I am so poor!

Escaping the cold at Café la Gaffe

In my quest for the best omelette in town I am directed to Café la Gaffe, tucked away on Baldwin Street west of University, directly between College and Dundas. I have been hanging out downtown when I realize I'm quite hungry - now might be a good time to test the café.. at 5:30 in the afternoon, which I think is a fine idea.

I hurry through the depressingly cold weather and lunge through the doorway, frantically blowing on my hands for warmth. I am the only one there and a man behind the bar seats me by the window, leaving me with a menu and a paper displaying their specials. My waitress approaches me after I have made myself comfortable and after realizing I'm already set looks out the window.

- It isn't as dark around this time of day. The candles used to light the place up at this point.. they just don't seem as necessary anymore.

I agree but comment that the candles are still a nice touch.

- Yeah, it's definitely cuter this way.

She favours me with a smile and walks away, leaving me to decide on my meal. My waitress is well ingrained in the system, not taking her job seriously and simply enjoying herself. She wears a blue V-neck and long brown boots that climb up her jeans, stopping just below her knees. Her hair is in loose curls that bounce as she walks around the restaurant, the grin never leaving her lips.

So I look at the menu and see several dinner options (expensive dinner options!) all over the pages. Oh no.. what was I thinking?? Not everywhere has an all day breakfast menu and I can't afford all these luxurious meals! People start to show up for dinner as I sit in a quandary, not wanting to spend a whole lot of money but not wanting to walk back into the cold either.

I decide to ask if they will still serve me an omelette regardless. Maybe by some twist of fate they have a few eggs lying around that they could make use of. I brace myself to be a pain in the ass as my server approaches me to see what's up.

Of course they aren't prepared to serve an omelette anymore.. all the breakfast materials are safely locked away for another day.

..Shit.

Well looks like I have to come earlier next time, but as my server is so nice and the cold is so bitter I look for the cheapest item on their specials list and order: Chicken Corn Cowder, $5.5o.

It arrives in five minutes with an assortment of vegetables - yellow peppers, corn, carrots, and the all important green onion. My server even brings me a personal basket of bread which turns out to be a full quarter of a loaf, especially generous because I've ordered so little. I take the freshly ground pepper offered to me and tuck in, the soup warming me up better than my thin pair of gloves could ever hope to do.

The chowder is much less viscous than I am accustomed to, perfect for dipping my fresh white bread into. The ingredients really soak up the presence of the chicken, particularly the chunks of soft potato that easily integrate themselves in the mix. The chowder is evenly flavoured with pepper and vegetables, green onion permeating the entire dish, giving life to what would be an otherwise lacking dish.

Lingering as long as I can, I drink one more glass of water and nerve myself for the cold walk to Queen's Park Station. I give my waitress a ten dollar bill for her hospitality, zip up my jacket and leave the café, already planning a date when I can return for an omelette - this upcoming Sunday if I can haul myself out of bed early enough.

Food Job Opportunity

And not even ACME!

Craigslist has done it again. Caught an ad, called the number immediately and lo and behold I could end up working at a new Joy Bistro opening soon (I sincerely hope) at an undisclosed location along King West.

To Joy Bistro!

The interview happens on Monday - hoping to land a serving gig! Cheap food and lots of tips would make me a very happy person. Looks like a pretty swanky sort of place though.. hope this works.

Hurrah for Cushy Leather!

Well I'm on the job hunt today; I can no longer survive with the lack of retail hours so I am forced to add another title along with "Inventory Control Specialist" - the long serving puffed up name I have been given at the Yorkdale Apple Store.

- Well the Annex should be a good place to start.
I have this thought for no particular reason other than the fact I need an influx of income, post haste. And no more malls.. a criteria I am not willing to compromise over any amount of poverty.

So I start out by exiting the streetcar at Bathurst station, walking west down Bloor with a smile on my face and a backpack full of resumes. What did I find? Not a lot of people are hiring that's for damn sure.. fully expected, considering the brutal state of our economy and all. I'm about to give up and skulk into the Aroma Espresso Bar when I notice that right next door is a little place called ACME Burger Company - with a hiring sign on the window? With thoughts of Road Runner and Coyote running through my head and the idea of food in my stomach I stop, wondering if I have any business working at a burger joint. Only one way to find out - not a chance I am working at a place where I can't handle the food.

An unusually peppy worker greeted me, so I return her genuine smile and check out the menu. Looks like a fairly standard burger joint upon first glance, jazzing up their menu with salads, wraps and the always noticeable milkshake.. so tempting but with only $10 in my wallet I decide to get a bigger burger and forsake this favourite drink of mine. I notice that my seating options include a comfortable booth with leather casing - definitely a good start. The place may appear similar to Harvey's (allowing you to add your own toppings from the counter) but with extra touches such as non plastic seating and a higher happy worker to surly staff ratio I could get used to this. So I maneuver myself into a booth and wait for my order: A big 6-ounce burger, pre-wrapped and pre-toothpicked for me, with an order of freshly cut fries and a Mugs rootbeer. I am able to stay within my price range, the meal ringing in at $9.88 - that being said, ACME does charge a pretty steep price for a hamburger combo. I start eating the fries, as per usual, to ensure I better savour my burger - I recommend that you follow suit unless you eat slowly.. better to end up with cold fries than a cold burger.

The fries were straight out of the oil, nearly burning my mouth but because I've been burned so many times before (due to severe eating impatience) the heat has a minor effect. I was pleased to find how easy they were to bite through - not at all overdone which is a huge pet peeve of mine. Blazing through my fries I unwrap the burger and check it out: onions, lettuce, pickles and ACME Sauce, recommended by my bubbly cashier, which apparently consists chiefly of creamy garlic sauce? Lather it on, let's give it a whirl. The sauce ended up as nothing special but the burger was great - meat that tasted like a homemade piece of beef, cooked well done with proper, fresh toppings (which is definitely not always the case with a Harvey's). Although I personally enjoy my meat medium rare, I cannot fault a cook for grilling beef well done as a rule for all customers.. the general public is far more finicky than I.

Finishing my meal I decide that I would work here, collect some cash and ditch if something better comes along. Realistically I won't be flipping burgers for the rest of my days but damn, I need some money to maintain my illustrious lifestyle.

Call me ACME!

Dastardly McDonalds

Oh reader, lament with me. Lament and repent because more than a few of you have been in this compromising position before.

A brief interlude: 12:15 Saturday night - you've just left the Horseshoe Tavern with your roommate. You turn right out the entrance to catch the Spadina streetcar up to the subway station on your way to North York, where you live for some reason. Wait, what time is it?

- ..Quel temps fait-il?
- Isn't that french for what's the weather?
- Yeah temps sounds more like time..
- Alright.. the time is -
- Wait shut up. Oh shit.

You half stumble half drag your way a few metres forward.

- McDonalds.

Your vegetarian roommate grimaces.

- Oh dude, come on.

But it's far too late. You even try and dig your heels in as some unseen force drags you toward the location.

- Oh god they've got me in their tractor beam. Nothing can stop it now, save yourselves!
* You always regret this.

But then the third member of your party shows up, zipping up his jacket at the same time he emits a thunderous belch.

- What the hell are you doing?

And you try and stop him.

- No bro! Get back, don't even look!

He looks at you with a knowing smirk. He's embraced his decision.

- Come on man, McDonalds!

And without another word he wobbles in the direction of the McDonalds, leaving you in the dust open mouthed and confused.

- ..Oh fuck it.

Quickly followed by a mad, ill-advised dash to catch up with your companion, once again (easily) peer pressured into a horrible indulgence.

When you arrive at home you realize you've ingested three double cheeseburgers, a medium order of fries and a medium coke. All for under ten dollars! Was it worth it?

As the "food" claws every inch of your intestinal tract on the way down you remember that it isn't. It really, really isn't. Ah the Golden Arches.. placed all too conveniently at a location near you! Preying on the drunk and stoned since the 40's.

At least I can say I tried to warn you.